


The Immortal Moira Rose

by yerbamansa



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: AU - Vampires, Bite marks, Creepy Mirror Scene, Fireball, Halloween, Other, Ridiculous, Vampire hunting, Vampires, Wooden Stakes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 13:06:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16476122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yerbamansa/pseuds/yerbamansa
Summary: Schitt's Creek reveals its dark secrets. (A Halloween story, because why the fuck not.)





	The Immortal Moira Rose

**Author's Note:**

> s/o to ProseApothecary for the chat that inspired this very ridiculous piece. thank you/i'm sorry/you're welcome.
> 
> re: archive warnings, since the topic at hand is a sweet comedy series with basically no onscreen death or violence, i added warnings out of an abundance of caution. but it's pretty minimal. i don't think it would get a parental advisory on tv.

Alexis was the first to notice the changes.  
  
"Um, David, have you noticed that mom and dad seem sort of extra weird lately?"  
  
David didn't look up from his phone. "That's just how they are."  
  
"No, but I mean, like, mom seems _really_ pale? And always wears either these, like, huge hats or hoods, and her lipstick just seems a shade too dark to really work for her?"  
  
"You've just described our mother."  
  
"No, I know, but... and dad seems maybe half-drunk all the time?"  
  
David considered this. "Now that you mention it, they have been locked away in their room a lot lately. I was just grateful, though, if we're telling the truth."  
  
"I know. But..." Alexis tapped her hands together awkwardly and pressed her lips as though searching for the right words.  
  
"Thank you for alerting me to this, Alexis." David could tell his sister needed a little reassurance. "I'll keep an eye open. Just, you know, not too open."  
  
"Yeah. Yeah. Of course."  
  
Alexis did not feel soothed. But, at least, neither did David, anymore.

* * *

The next morning, Stevie met David for breakfast at the cafe. David's eyes looked unusually puffy, Stevie thought.  
  
"Good morning. And how are we doing today?" Stevie asked, dripping with sarcasm. She'd learned not to ask about these things directly.  
  
"Ugh. Alexis was talking at me all night about some weird thing..." David stopped hard and looked Stevie straight in the eyes. "Maybe you'll know: have you noticed anything... _unusual_... about my parents lately?"  
  
Stevie's eyes bugged slightly. The Roses were consistently strange. Familiarity hadn't lessened her bemusement. But David seemed unsettled, so Stevie took a moment to think about it.  
  
"Now that you mention it, your dad has seemed a little _off_." Stevie couldn't quite put a finger on it.  
  
"I don't think I've seen my mother in the daylight for a week."  
  
"Wait. What are you saying?"  
  
David craned his neck across the banquette table, gesturing to Stevie to come closer.  
  
"I think my mother might be a vampire," he whispered.  
  
Stevie stifled a laugh. But she knew it wasn't funny. Schitt's Creek did have a history with vampires and vampire hunters that they didn't readily admit to outsiders. The Roses, she thought, were still outsiders enough not to know this sordid past.  
  
Stevie got up from the booth, walked over to David, and scooted into the bench next to him, pushing him into the corner of the booth.  
  
"Whoa. What is happeni--"  
  
"There's something you need to know. David," Stevie looked him dead in the eyes with a seriousness he'd never experienced from her. "Vampires are real, and they're in Schitt's Creek."  
  
David's face contorted and Stevie shoved her hands over his mouth before he could shout.  
  
"It's been a while since we've had a new one. Ray was the last to turn. That's the real reason he quit council. And why he started the closet organizing business--easy access to peoples' homes."  
  
David rolled his eyes and nodded and mouthed, "That tracks."  
  
"Look. It's not really a problem as long as they have a decent, steady blood supply. If your mother is a vampire, she's probably feeding on your dad, and that would explain why he's seemed a little off lately. Being glamoured is basically an intoxicant."  
  
"So you've _experienced_ this... intoxication," David teased, momentarily setting aside the news that his mother may have become an immortal blood-sucking fiend, and that it's possible the one who made her that way was Ray.  
  
Stevie threw up her hands. "It was a phase!"

* * *

The elder Roses' recent strangeness aside, there was no reason to be suspicious or concerned for anyone's safety until Gwen turned up dead in a field, pale as a ghost and with two small puncture wounds in her neck.  
  
David found Roland and Stevie in the motel lobby, looking somber, when he heard the news.  
  
"Stevie told me she let you in on the ol' town history, Dave."  
  
"Yes, but..."  
  
"We're going to have to talk to Mrs. Rose," Stevie told David.  
  
" _Ewww_. What makes you think my mother had anything to do with Gwen's death?"  
  
"I thought Stevie told you about the vampires."  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"And you thought Moira might be a vampire."  
  
"Uh... huh."  
  
"And Gwen has bite marks. Look, David, if it walks like a vampire duck..."  
  
"Well, what about Ray?" David spat.  
  
"Oh, don't worry, we're checking in on him, too. Just sit tight. Don't let your mom know we're onto her."  
  
Stevie stepped into the back room and returned with a bag bulging with what looked like wooden stakes and some kind of small crossbow. David eyed her with a mix of surprise, concern, and disgust.  
  
"Roland, I'm ready. David, take one of these for yourself." She handed him a stake.  
  
David stared at the pointy wooden thing in his hands for several seconds. "Um. OK. What am I supposed to do with this?"  
  
"Vampire. Stake 'em in the heart. Dead."  
  
"This is my mother we're talking about. And could I get some extras, maybe, for Alexis and Patrick?"

* * *

David sat in his room, brimming with anxiety. It was getting late. He was supposed to meet Patrick for dinner. He didn't want to have to tell Patrick about all this, but he also wanted to... what was this weird feeling... protect him? Yes. He wanted to protect Patrick. From vampires.  
  
David frowned and got up to fix his hair and face with the aid of a mirror. A few minutes later, he felt a chill behind him and suddenly saw his mother's smiling face reflected next to his.  
  
"Hi!"  
  
"AAAGHH!" David jumped.  
  
"David, darling, we need to chat." His mother's voice seemed somehow slightly more affected than usual.  
  
Moira sat on the bed and patted it to indicate he should sit down. Next to her. A chill went down David's spine, but he swallowed his fear and obliged.  
  
" _Mmmm_. What's up?"  
  
"Dearest, you may have heard the news about Gwen. And the rumors about this town." Moira fake-laughed as if to suggest that what he's heard is absurd.  
  
A strained look on David's face told Moira she should continue.  
  
"And you may have noticed that your father and I have been spending more time... behind closed doors."  
  
"Blech. I don't want to know about that."  
  
"David, stop this performative revulsion. I know you know I'm a vampyr."  
  
He did. But he didn't want to admit it to anyone, least of all himself. Living in Schitt's Creek had been enough of a change for one lifetime. Now he had to cope with this?  
  
"Wait. But I _just_ saw you in the mirror."  
  
"Oh, David, don't believe every little thing you've seen on TV. This isn't an Anne Rice novel, it's real life! And we must face it together! As a family!"  
  
David's mind raced with questions. He thought about all the crucifixes and garlic and holy water he didn't have, and the turning into a bat thing, and how he never had to _invite_ her into his room. Maybe the room didn't count. But anyway, there were more pressing questions.  
  
"It sounds like you've already been facing it, as a family. With dad."  
  
"Your father has been very supportive, true."  
  
" _Ew_. And who did this to you?"  
  
Moira sighed. "Ray."  
  
" _Ewww_."  
  
"And that's what we need to talk about. I believe Ray killed Gwen."  
  
David didn't want to give away what Roland and Stevie told him. "Mmmhmm. And what makes you think that?"  
  
"When he was telling me how vampires conduct themselves, he may have let slip some long-standing unrequited affection for the poor woman. And besides, who else could have done it?"  
  
"Are you telling me Ray is the only other vampire in town?"  
  
"Well. That I know of. I'm not exactly yearning to make acquaintances of my competition."  
  
"Right. Well. You... stay here. I need to... go... find..."  
  
"Stevie and Roland? Don't look so taken aback. You may have heard vampires have rather good hearing. _That one's true._ "

* * *

David texted Alexis to meet him at the cafe. "It's important. And urgent."  
  
Patrick was already there when David arrived, and he could tell his boyfriend was stressed about something. "I'm sorry about the candle display, David, but I didn't think it would be that big a deal."  
  
"What? What did you-- no, look, it's not that. And we're waiting for Alexis."  
  
Patrick was surprised. In the months they'd been seeing each other, David had never spontaneously asked his sister to join them for dinner. But his confusion wouldn't need to last long, because just then Alexis walked in and David frantically waved her over to their booth.  
  
"What, David? You are acting ten kinds of weird right now."  
  
"Alexis, this is serious." David spoke in a low voice that betrayed his sense of panic. "Our mother is a vampire. And so is Ray. And a vampire killed Gwen. And now Roland and Stevie are out hunting them."  
  
Patrick looked surprised, but Alexis didn't. "Umm, David, I tried to tell you that _weeks_ ago."  
  
" _A_ week ago. And you just said our parents were 'acting weird.' I had to go out and _investigate_."  
  
"OK. Well. This isn't the first time I've dealt with vampires. There was that time I was trapped in an ancient castle in central Romania with an old duke guy who had, like, the deepest eyes..." Alexis was momentarily lost in reverie.  
  
"Why doesn't that surprise me. Anyway. I got you both these--" David passed the stakes under the table.  
  
"Ouch, David. Ow!"  
  
"--and we need to go find Roland and Stevie," David finished, swelling with a sense of duty that felt entirely unnatural to him.  
  
Patrick wanted to ask what for, but something about the news that his roommate/landlord and his boyfriend's mother were vampires and that a woman was dead by vampire and now he had _a wooden stake_ in his hand told him he had all the information he needed for the moment.

* * *

By the time David, Patrick, and Alexis found Stevie and Roland, night had fallen. A few other well-armed townies were gathered outside Bob's Garage, listening to the sounds of metal getting thrown around by creatures far stronger than mere humans.  
  
"What's going on in there?" Patrick asked someone standing near the edge of the crowd.  
  
"Ray and Bob. Ray killed Gwen. Bob's not happy."  
  
"Right. Right. Hey, quick question, is Bob also a vampire?"  
  
The person just looked at him soberly.  
  
David walked up to Roland, Stevie, and Ronnie, who were fussing with some complicated wooden contraption. Stevie stood over them with a book of matches.  
  
"I take it you've figured out my mother isn't the murderer."  
  
They didn't respond.  
  
"OK. Can I help? This whole situation is very..." David gestured uselessly. No one was looking at him, anyway.  
  
"David, just back off, and make sure everyone has a stake," Stevie instructed.  
  
Within moments, Roland made the call. "Everybody get back!"  
  
David could see Stevie throw a lit match onto the contraption and run furiously into the street as a fireball hurled itself up and into the garage. The crowd gasped and took several staggered steps back from the building, their weapons held at the ready.  
  
First one unidentifiable person, engulfed in flames, ran screaming from the garage door, then another. The heat from the fire distorted their frames too much to tell which was Bob and which was Ray. In a moment it didn't matter, because both disintegrated into ash within moments.  
  
The townies stood in silence for several minutes.  
  
Roland was the first to speak. "OK, folks, we're safe now. Everyone can go home."  
  
"That's it?" David asked Stevie, shocked.  
  
"I mean, we'll have a funeral. Even vampires deserve to be memorialized. But this does save on crematory fees."  
  
David decided now was not the time to ask about the garage.  
  
"What about my mother?"  
  
"As long as she follows the rules and doesn't kill people, we've got no problem."  
  
This was the new reality, David thought. "'Not killing people' seems like a pretty low bar."  
  
"Yep, well. Welcome to the real Schitt's Creek."


End file.
